Thursday, 28 August 2008

News In Briefs, Part The Second

Another News In Brief Published in the November 2006 Issue of The Chihuahua (University of St Andrews Satirical Paper)

Boris Johnson and Iain Paisley have teamed up to fight crime, a source has claimed. The unlikely duo met by chance at a bullfight in the seedy underbelly of St Andrews one Christmas Eve several years ago. Said Johnson of his colleague, “Where the hell am I?” whilst Paisley responded with his well-known catchphrase, “NO!”

Early reports suggest that Johnson’s superhero alter ego will be called Platypus Man, whilst Paisley is deliberating between Heron Boy and King Prawn. Their arch nemeses, the Sugababes, are said to be developing unconvincing evil plots for the duo to foil every week. Rumours of sexual relations between the band and our intrepid heroes are unsubstantiated. An ever-helpful Boris told Chihuahua, “I think I dreamed it, but it was one of those really realistic ones, so I started to believe it had actually happened and so, you know, told everyone.”

Wednesday, 27 August 2008

News In Briefs, Part The First

Written For The Chihuahua, St Andrews University Satirical Paper, in November 2006

Medical experts are baffled by what appears to be the first ever female case of man flu. Theodora Wiggins of 412 Lamond Drive is unable to leave her bed, leaving her husband and children completely uncared for, yet her only symptoms seem to be a sore throat and a bit of a jippy tummy. Dr Hooper Impasse of the Royal Medical Institute of Sick People is cynical.

“It can’t be man flu,”
he postulated pungently in a press conference yesterday. “A weak and feeble woman could never withstand such immense physical and psychological pain, her brain would explode. She has to be faking it.”

Meanwhile, Theodora’s children, Jukebox-Marie and Tixylix, were heard to enquire of their malnourished father, “Is mummy going to die?”

“I don’t know kids,”
responded the jaundiced pyrotechnic worker, “I just don’t know.”