Eurovision 2011 Liveblog

Do you like glitter? Pyrotechnics? Lyrics that sound as though someone wrote them using the babelfish translator? Well, this post is for you.

Tonight myself and my glamorous assistant Captain Tact will be covering Eurovision in an exciting liveblog stylee. Be back here at 8pm to witness the real time glory of our caustic wit in the box below. We have also selected some of the great and good of the twitter to feature in the timeline.

It'll be a bit like attending a Eurovision party, but a text-based one in the comfort of your own home where nobody will try and force you to have snacks created around various preconceptions of the Baltic States. Enjoy.

Eurovision

Another year, another Eurovision Song Contest. The one event that draws us all together, and makes us the cultural envy of the rest of the world. Or not.

Azerbaijan kicked off the proceedings this time around. Apparently they got the choreographer for Beyonce’s Single Ladies video to help out. Not sure why, as the dance routine mainly consisted of the singer running round in circles like a dog chasing its tail.

This was followed by a sinister grin with a perm, singing for Spain. The song is called Algo Pequenito, which HILARIOUSLY translates as ‘something tiny’. This was slightly more bearable than the deeply boring Norwegian power ballad, but surpassed by Moldova with their Gaga styled singer and sex crazed saxophonist. Their song included the classic line, “We have no progressive future/I know your lying nature”. We've all used that to get rid of an annoying partner.

Cyprus were boringly earnest, entreating an unnamed love interest to tell him about their feelings. Clingiest boyfriend ever. Meanwhile Bosnia Herzegovina entered a Fame academy winner with a fundamental misunderstanding of meteorology who claimed that if we all breathe together, the rain will come down. No. Not how precipitation works. AND, the backing singers were a terrible bunch of slappers. Probably.

I’m fairly sure that the Belgian entry was a song that has already been written, possibly by Tracy Chapman. Since this is against the rules, I assume that the singer and his guitar will be detained after the programme and dispatched. It didn't make you look good, Belgium, especially when Serbia followed with an original tune and a bizarre haircut. Via Twitter, @iainmhepburn suggested ‘Serbia - Next Year's Sarah Jane Adventures big bad...’

Belarus then claimed that butterflies fly towards the sun, Icarus like, to have a look inside. This suggests to me that butterflies are stupid. A bit like the dress of the Irish entry. She cries for the lonely, apparently. Bless.

Now. Speaking as a person who has never visited Greece, their entry was very Greek. It is almost exclusively populated by Chippendales, right? OPA! The same cannot be said for our own entry. We’ve not done anything decent in a good ten years. This is no exception, and I'm not linking to it. He should have just stayed in that light box and let us move straight on to Georgia’s pop philosophy. Who CAN ever tell the colour of a soul? Fishermen, maybe. Arf.

I think the Turkish entry may have been on Kerrang TV this morning. It was by a band called maNga who are apparently rather popular on the mainland. They’ve won an MTV award doncha know. Meanwhile Albania presented us with a woman who is a bit like Roisin Murphy, and a song called All About You. Both were quite good, comparatively speaking. At least as good as the Icelandic club anthem. But nobody’ll vote for them after all the trouble they’ve been causing lately.

I was eating a fajita when the Ukraine were on, but I was almost put off my food when they made me aware of a problem of apocalyptic proportions – apparently we are turning the earth to stone? She doesn’t want us to continue down this path because (because because) this is our home. True dat. Who knew the effects of climate change were akin to the powers of Medusa.

France entered their world cup song, which is fairly typical of the oeuvre. You will hear it over the summer, I expect. This was followed by Romania, who were sort of brilliant. Calvin Harris could have written this tune. He would probably have come up with better lyrics, but you can’t have everything.

Favourite entry in our house this year was Russia, who are deeply awful but in an excellent way. There are echoes of Flight of the Conchords in their jumpers, melancholia, and photo that wasn’t actually a photo. Armenia were quite good too, unveiling secret Armenian parenting techniques. “I began to cry a lot / and she [mother] gave me apricots.” I wonder if Supernanny has been informed.

Germany – who have just won – had a catchy number, although I’m not sure that the list of stuff she’s done for her prospective love interest is overly romantic. She’s painted her toenails, left the porch light on and bought blue pants, all because she can’t go a minute without your love. Most of it sounds like a fairly average routine. But there you are.

Portugal paled in comparison with a ballad out of a Disney film, whilst Israel went with “tears of blood are burning in my throat.” Maybe he’d been drinking the coffee that got recalled due to having broken glass in. Or maybe he was upset cause he knew that Denmark were about to finish with Every Breath You Take, incorporating some classic wind machine / modulation action. Dire.

Evil Genius

My knees are sore, and crunchy. I suspect this is not a good thing.

Nobody in the Eurovision semis seems to be suffering from crunchy knees. Lack of talent, maybe, and ill conceived costume ideas, but their knees largely appear intact. So it is decided, next year I will enter for Britain, and then my knees will be fixed, and I will be able to joggle round Inverleith Park without deep seated fear of self-inflicted arthritis.

In other news, some of the young persons at work did a good prank. They put an advert for a car on Gumtree with the library phone number on it, so we have spent most of the day fielding calls from confused men wanting to buy a Golf GTI. It's the cleverest thing any of them have done since I started.

"This would win a talent contest in St Andrews. And I do not mean that as a compliment." - Captain Tact on the Belgian Eurovision entry