The River City Blog #7

It's Saturday night, so I'm taking a break from a mammoth catch up on 12 Books in 12 Months (7661 words written today) to watch River City. Such a party animal has never been seen.

In this episode, Gina wants sour faced daughter Jo to organise a fashion show to keep ovarian cancer in the public eye on Montego Street. This, she confesses, is mainly because she was absent for last week's fundraising spectacular, presumably because she was busy ensuring that her other daughter (Mad Ruth - who I just read is meant to have borderline personality disorder, so now I feel a bit bad for slaggin') was safely under lock and key in a psychiatric unit somewhere. Maybe she's hoping that all the excitement will make Scarlett faint again - her family's misery just isn't getting enough screen time at the moment.

Meanwhile Nicole is having a birthday perty, but her ex best friend Carmen has turned all twelve of her mates against her so nobody turns up... except her deeply annoying boyfriend, who wants to get it awn because they have an empty house. Rather unexpectedly Nicole holds her ground on the fact she says she isn't ready for sexy times yet, but in typical soap style her folks (Dr Brodie and Leyla) get home right at the point she is pushing him and his cheap bottle of cider out the door. To them it looks like she is taking the cider from him and planning to get jiggy - they assume she never invited any other guests at all. That, my friends, is irony.

Elsewhere Gabriel urges Jo to let people help her with the fashion show, but her aversion to Amber means she won't go to her for help... This is relevant because Amber owns the only clothes shop in Shieldinch, although god only knows how she makes a living because all I've ever seen her sell is one shirt. Anyhoo, Gabriel goes to Amber himself and sends her to the pub where the most unrealistic journo in the world is telling Jo that whilst it's a nice idea, they gave cancer loads of coverage last week and her pissy little fashion show will interest NO-ONE. Honestly, who does she think she's kidding? Clearly never read a local paper. They print literally everything.

Upstairs, Jimmy hangs round Rrrraymond's toilet failing to cope with Scarlett's illness, whilst she is back at hame asking her mum and sister to help her end it all if things get too much. That's the cancer, not just life in general. Because Scarlett has ovarian cancer - I don't know if you knew that. But she does. When Jimmy finds out (they always find out, on TV) he's not upset by the prospect of euthanasia, but by the fact she didn't ask him to do it, and romantically promises to be there until the last breath is squeezed out of their relationship. Aww.

Oh, but before that he beats up a kid (Nicole's no good boyfriend, actually) for taking the piss out of Scarlett's wig. Said kid then dumps Nicole on the grounds of her parents giving him a bollocking, telling her "she's not worth this amount of hassle." What a charmer. Rather than notice she's well shot of the spotty prick, Nicole proceeds to the basket ball court where she first saw him to bawl her eyes out against a fence. Adolescence is a complicated time.

I couldn't help noticing, though, that for the second week in a row there was no comic relief. I know cancer is srs bsns, River City, but I have come to expect comedy subplots either from Robbie the Big Gay Hairdresser or Annie the Bubbly Barmaid (who still doesn't have a character profile on the website). Sort it out, guys. This is my Saturday night you're messing with.

Telly

This year, to ensure I update this blog at least once a week, I will be providing a blow-by-blow account of the accidentally hilarious and occasionally very well acted River City, a soap overlooked by most people because it’s set in Glasgow and only on telly once a week.

This week, Stuart Baggs-like entrepreneur/spoilt child-man Fraser decides to build a factory next to Gabriel’s shop. When this fails to impress his rival, he shrieks in irritation, “AND we’re going to tartan week!” Strangely enough, this doesn’t have the desired effect. About five minutes later he loses the land anyway. To a church-run play park! Supported by his ain dad!

Meanwhile, an awkward line of exposition in the shop confirms my worst fears – Rosin moved back up North when I wasn’t looking. Gutted. But never mind, because in the wake of mum Scarlett’s cancer, Wee Boab has stepped up to the mark with some wide eyed, gurning acting to try and keep our minds off it. AND he gets to add some comical not-quite-homophobia to the mix, because Robbie the big gay hairdresser is moving in with him and Deek.

Big Boab is distracting himself from Scarlett’s condition by scaring the crap out of Iona with declarations of eternal love worthy of a teenage blog. On the first date. That goes about as well as you might expect. Fortunately, Scarlett is on hand with sage advice.

“That’s the hing aboot chances,” she tells him. “Sometimes you git mair than wan.”

“D’ye hink?” he asks, somewhat insensitively given her medical condition.

“Well here’s hopin’,” was the wry reply.

16 minutes in to the episode, Fraser decides that the only way to get the land for his factory is to dump a load of untraceable industrial waste on it. The church won’t be able to afford to clean it up, and he will step in to take it off their hands at a reduced rate. No, he did not try any other options first, and yes, for those interested, industrial waste looks like runny lemon curd. For some inexplicable reason, business partner Deek believes the stuff isn’t dangerous and helps out, acquiring a SUSPICIOUS BURN along the way which he can’t tell anyone about. Presumably he hasn’t had enough to angst about lately.

Next day, Gabriel sees Deek’s SUSPICIOUS BURN, as well as Fraser suspiciously advising him to man up about the agonizing pain rather than see a doctor. Gabriel wastes no time in making Deek reveal the oozing wound in front of half the pub. Why didn’t he just roll up the other sleeve to reveal the unburnt arm? Come on people, this isn’t some kind of farce.

Anyway, Fraser does the evil thing and pretends to be as shocked as everyone else, as if the good people of Sheildinch will believe a scrawny house elf could carry out such a diabolical plan unaided. But Murray (Fraser’s dad) is suspicious and does some investigatory journalism to uncover the terrible truth. Just in time for a rainy ending, where Fraser loses the land once more, as well as his business partner and relationship with his family. One hopes that girlfriend Amber will have the good sense to dump him too.