The River City Blog #7

It's Saturday night, so I'm taking a break from a mammoth catch up on 12 Books in 12 Months (7661 words written today) to watch River City. Such a party animal has never been seen.

In this episode, Gina wants sour faced daughter Jo to organise a fashion show to keep ovarian cancer in the public eye on Montego Street. This, she confesses, is mainly because she was absent for last week's fundraising spectacular, presumably because she was busy ensuring that her other daughter (Mad Ruth - who I just read is meant to have borderline personality disorder, so now I feel a bit bad for slaggin') was safely under lock and key in a psychiatric unit somewhere. Maybe she's hoping that all the excitement will make Scarlett faint again - her family's misery just isn't getting enough screen time at the moment.

Meanwhile Nicole is having a birthday perty, but her ex best friend Carmen has turned all twelve of her mates against her so nobody turns up... except her deeply annoying boyfriend, who wants to get it awn because they have an empty house. Rather unexpectedly Nicole holds her ground on the fact she says she isn't ready for sexy times yet, but in typical soap style her folks (Dr Brodie and Leyla) get home right at the point she is pushing him and his cheap bottle of cider out the door. To them it looks like she is taking the cider from him and planning to get jiggy - they assume she never invited any other guests at all. That, my friends, is irony.

Elsewhere Gabriel urges Jo to let people help her with the fashion show, but her aversion to Amber means she won't go to her for help... This is relevant because Amber owns the only clothes shop in Shieldinch, although god only knows how she makes a living because all I've ever seen her sell is one shirt. Anyhoo, Gabriel goes to Amber himself and sends her to the pub where the most unrealistic journo in the world is telling Jo that whilst it's a nice idea, they gave cancer loads of coverage last week and her pissy little fashion show will interest NO-ONE. Honestly, who does she think she's kidding? Clearly never read a local paper. They print literally everything.

Upstairs, Jimmy hangs round Rrrraymond's toilet failing to cope with Scarlett's illness, whilst she is back at hame asking her mum and sister to help her end it all if things get too much. That's the cancer, not just life in general. Because Scarlett has ovarian cancer - I don't know if you knew that. But she does. When Jimmy finds out (they always find out, on TV) he's not upset by the prospect of euthanasia, but by the fact she didn't ask him to do it, and romantically promises to be there until the last breath is squeezed out of their relationship. Aww.

Oh, but before that he beats up a kid (Nicole's no good boyfriend, actually) for taking the piss out of Scarlett's wig. Said kid then dumps Nicole on the grounds of her parents giving him a bollocking, telling her "she's not worth this amount of hassle." What a charmer. Rather than notice she's well shot of the spotty prick, Nicole proceeds to the basket ball court where she first saw him to bawl her eyes out against a fence. Adolescence is a complicated time.

I couldn't help noticing, though, that for the second week in a row there was no comic relief. I know cancer is srs bsns, River City, but I have come to expect comedy subplots either from Robbie the Big Gay Hairdresser or Annie the Bubbly Barmaid (who still doesn't have a character profile on the website). Sort it out, guys. This is my Saturday night you're messing with.

The River City Blog #6

It is the day of Scarlett's ovarian cancer fundraiser, so Montego Street pulls together like never before to raise as much cash as possible. This makes for a deathly dull episode which feels Children in Need-like in length, although I am assured it only lasted an hour. Meanwhile, Robbie the big gay hairdresser is getting grief from a nasty loan shark with designer stubble. He has managed to rack up nearly 4 grand in back rent and the nasty man needs it before the end of the day or he will go visit Robbie's estranged parents in Bearsden and very probably stab them up. Surely these two plot lines combined can only end in disaster?

Blissfully unaware of impending crisis, DI Fraser MSP shows his acting talent by perfectly replicating a cringeworthy speech from someone in local government. And dishes out networking advice to teenagers, apparently. Not that Nicole is likely to follow advice from anyone, however varied their acting ability. God, Nicole's annoying. Not to mention cheeky, manipulative, spiteful and stupid. And she doesn't even have an excuse - at least mad Ruth is mad, but Nicole is just a perfect portrayal of a horrible teenager. Comeuppance is surely due.

In the best moment of a very tedious episode, ex-con Theresa lambasts some small children in front of all their parents, telling one her violin playing was "mince". Which it was, but then spoilsport Jo makes her stop MCing the kid's talent show, which is a terrible shame. She takes over the slave auction, leaving Annie with nothing much to do other than flirt with Raymond (ew) but soon gets ousted from that by Scarlett, so she can do a dramatic fainting thing later on. Thing is, nobody in Shieldinch really cares for Theresa, so the fact she has turned over a new, slightly less criminal leaf has passed most of them by.

Perhaps as part of her campaign to get locals on side, Theresa and her slightly squashed face lie to cover for Robbie when the money is found to be missing, then uses some nefarious contacts to get him the rest. So presumably he'll be back to his usual comic relief role next week, complete with both legs, but the mystery remains, why did she help him? And what does she want in return? Maybe she's going to pimp him out. I can see Theresa strutting about in a floor length fur coat. And the beauty of that is, it wouldn't even need to be an especially long one - she's only about four feet tall.

The River City Blog #4 and #5

I'll be honest with you, I missed a couple of episodes of River City whilst I was writing Caligula's Blog. And because I'm the only viewer, the BBC only has one episode up on iPlayer at a time, so I missed my opportunities to catch up.

As far as I can gather, the Burns Night episode (which should have formed the basis of blog #4) featured DI Fraser out of Taggart guest starring as an MSP or something. He accidentally offended Scarlett by thinking she had breast cancer rather than ovarian, so she shouted at him, went back to work, and celebrated her re-found independence by getting her husband to help shave her head. I know that's what I'd do in her situation.

Meanwhile angry soldier Leo is addicted to prescription drugs, so stole Leyla's keys in order to get some more from the GP Surgery; and mad Ruth is still being mad and husband Andy (who she only married about three months ago) will almost definitely leave her for a new life in Dubai next time cause he can't cope with all the crazy. I empathise to a degree - she is awful. But you ought to have checked that out before you got hitched, fool.

I am sort of glad I missed last week's (#5), because it looks as though they tried to get Ruth the sympathy vote, and frankly she's about as empathetic as the EDL. Andy accepted the job in Dubai, to which her response was to declare their marriage over in order to make him stay. He called her bluff, she regretted it but was slightly too late in trying to fix things, there was soul searching, and FINALLY some other people noticed that she's unhinged.

However, as if making up for lost time, they took it too far the other way and had her sectioned for drugging her little girl. She may be irritating but she hasn't been doing that - the missing drugs are being taken by AWOL soldier and general reprobate Leo. Which all sounds quite harrowing, so to cheer things up there was also a subplot where Wee Boab tried to get Robbie the Big Gay Hairdresser in trouble with Deek by hiding an MP3 player...

Yeah, fair play BBC, leaving it up for as long as a week is above and beyond the call of duty.

The River City Blog #3

Today, I am watching River City as it goes out, on my parents' fancy HD TV. Usually I iPlayer it on my computer several days later. Will this make the experience more exciting? Probably not.

Dr Brodie can't sleep. He is wandering round in his dressing gown, sighing a lot and drinking milk straight from the bottle. What a sad parody of manhood. He needs to take some tips from the Old Spice guy. Meanwhile the reason for his stress, missing brother Leo, is suffering night terrors on hairdresser Hayley's living room floor just a few doors away. F'only they could be reunited. Or something.

On an unrelated note, Crazy Ruth is also up and about, scrubbing like a motherbitch to hide the fact she is pure raging about partner Andy's interview for a job in Dubai. Seems a bit premature - he might not even get it. But then she is called Crazy Ruth.

Over at Casa Del Mullen, Scarlett is dispensing wisdom re Big Boab's court summons, sporting grey leopard print jim jams with unmatching pink leopard print dressing goon. Does Montego Street have a secret Primark I don't know about? And in The Ship, the pointless subplot about Rrrraymond being annoyed with Eileen for sending him on errands all the time continues apace. Is there to be no comic relief tonight?!

Apparently not. Whilst Leo pops pain killers like a toddler with a tube of smarties, the Military Police roam the street(s?) searching for him, and his brothers bicker loudly about his welfare. Scarlett forces Boab to go outside, whilst Jimmy helpfully points out, "lawyers and doctors pick up prozzies all the time." Wee Boab and Theresa take him under their wings with similar insights - "I dinnae care aboot your urges, at least you didnae hurt anyone" - none of which seem to cheer him up. Mainly because he did hurt someone - poor fragrant Iona, the love of his life. Oh, for a family as sensitive as the Mullen-O'Hara brood.

Anyway, onwards and upwards. Her from Take the High Road points out that by keeping wee Eilidh prisoner in the flat instead of letting her go back to nursery, Crazy Ruth is behaving like a crazy person. But apparently everyone else ('everyone else' in this instance being Ruth's grandad and her pal Scott) thinks she should be given the benefit of the doubt. They're wrong, of course, but because HfTtHR - Liz, if you want to be pedantic - is such an interfering busybody 99% of the time, they ignore her. The consequences are due next week.

Over by the Delhi, Leo has somehow fallen down the stairs from Hayley's flat to exhort nephews Connor and Adeeb to help him steal sister-in-law Leila's car so he can go back to Afghanistan. Are you keeping up with this? Connor is well up for it, but the more observant Adeeb notices that if they allow him to do a runner he'll almost certainly die of septicemia. He therefore informs the nearest responsible adult. Good to know that not all kids are idiots.

By the way, can anyone tell me whether Leyla has had an affair with Leo at some point? Because she really hates him, and calls the military police on him whilst Dr B is off at the surgery locating drugs. This backfires slightly, however, when Leo gets off on the condition that he moves in with them till he gets better. What a plot device.

Somewhat dully, there's the little matter of why he went AWOL in the first place. Dr Brodie knows his little brother is hiding something, explaining,

"Ma IQ's above 150. I've had it checked."

Strong words, that cut right to the heart of the matter. It turns out Leo shot a ten year old civilian in Afghanistan thinking it was a sniper, and he can't live with the guilt. He ran away from military hospital so he can go back in a non-soldier capacity to atone by laying his own neck on the line. Cue some fairly unconvincing crying and a visit to the pub, during which he threatens Leyla with his eyes. They may be planning to draw this out for some time.

The River City Blog #2

This week, Jimmy buys a new car and promptly sends Big Boab off in it to do the shopping without so much as a list. Typical men, and other generalisations. Boab then proceeds to sit in it and moan about his virginity to Charlie, instead of getting something in for tea.

"You're a kind, funny, talented man, with a full time job and a full head of hair," Charlie shrieks unsympathetically, unable to process the fact that people might lack sexual confidence if they are forty, a virgin, and about thirty stone. "She willnae gie a flying fuck!" OK, he doesn't quite go that far, but it's implied.

And it turns out to be correct, because at this very moment Boab's sort-of-girlfriend Iona is trying to get the flat to herself so she can have him round for sexy times. In order to achieve this, however, she must make a pact with Annie, who wants to have a party - ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. What madness is this? It'd never happen in Morningside. And we're only six minutes in!

Meanwhile, angsty hairdresser Hayley is angsty because she has to go to work with her ex boyfriend Jack, also a hairdresser, who recently had an affair with a woman twice her age (Gina, not a hairdresser). As big gay hairdresser Robbie would - and did - say, awkward! Oh, also she is nursing some kind of secret.

Later on, Dr Brodie and family have a scene in which they appear to be a normal family normalling about the place - teenage son makes mess, teenage daughter tries to get her dad to let her go out later to 'study', he responds with the totally normal phrase, "do you think my head buttons up the back, young lady?" - all so that they can be utterly destroyed by a visit from the world's most enigmatic military police. Where is Uncle Leo?

Well, in the park chatting to Hayley, since you asked. A magnificent way to go AWOL.

"What does that mean, exactly?" Hayley - apparently not the brightest sandwich in the picnic basket - asks him, arms folded in perplexion. It's not a word, but Hayley would probably say it.

"It means I've ran away fae the army," Leo elaborates, presumably confused she didn't get that from 'absent without leave'.

"Does that mean people are looking for you?"

"Uh huh."

"Well who," she probes, undoubtedly feeling like she's pulling hen's teeth, "the police?"

"The military police," he concedes.

Shocked Hayley is shocked, and quite pissed off when he explains the only reason he didn't go to one of his brothers is cause that's the first place they'd look. Turns out this isn't so romantic when you say it out loud. Bet she wishes she was at Annie's party, where her colleagues have proceeded to get nicely toasted before having a fight about who is the slaggiest. For it seems that wherever Boab may roam, he is destined to hear tales of other people's promiscuity. Poor Boab. But it's OK, he gets proactive and devises a cunning plan to get rid of the virginity issue.

No, it is not taking Iona to bed.

That's right, he decides to get off with a prostitute. Except being Boab, he manages to find himself an undercover polis prostitute, who promptly arrests him. This somehow ends up on the front cover of the next morning's free paper, so that nobody in Sheildinch can escape the news. And somehow, in spite of Jimmy's advice - lifted from Rocky - that he just needs to pick himself back up again and it'll be fine, things keep getting worse! Funny, that.

First, Isabel from Take The High Road (she's not called that in this, but she'll never be Liz to me!) demands he be sacked from his job at the community centre, but he sort of beats her to it by quitting. Then he meets his mother, who skelps him and squeaks that everyone she plays bingo with will see, before calming down enough to say, "if I'd known you were in such a fankle I'd have paid for one for you masel." Thanks, mum.

Stella though, is less forgiving. Her role over the past couple of weeks has been mainly to be very disappointed with people without hearing their side of the story - first Deek, now Boab. Which is a bit rich given her own character's story (she was rescued from a life of alcoholism, prostitution and being judged, by Deek who chose not to judge her...), but there you are. Far more importantly for Boab, however, is that even when he explains himself, Iona can't get over it. He is like, uber dumped to the max.

Which just goes to show that a fat person and a thin person can never find love. People: know your limits.

Telly

This year, to ensure I update this blog at least once a week, I will be providing a blow-by-blow account of the accidentally hilarious and occasionally very well acted River City, a soap overlooked by most people because it’s set in Glasgow and only on telly once a week.

This week, Stuart Baggs-like entrepreneur/spoilt child-man Fraser decides to build a factory next to Gabriel’s shop. When this fails to impress his rival, he shrieks in irritation, “AND we’re going to tartan week!” Strangely enough, this doesn’t have the desired effect. About five minutes later he loses the land anyway. To a church-run play park! Supported by his ain dad!

Meanwhile, an awkward line of exposition in the shop confirms my worst fears – Rosin moved back up North when I wasn’t looking. Gutted. But never mind, because in the wake of mum Scarlett’s cancer, Wee Boab has stepped up to the mark with some wide eyed, gurning acting to try and keep our minds off it. AND he gets to add some comical not-quite-homophobia to the mix, because Robbie the big gay hairdresser is moving in with him and Deek.

Big Boab is distracting himself from Scarlett’s condition by scaring the crap out of Iona with declarations of eternal love worthy of a teenage blog. On the first date. That goes about as well as you might expect. Fortunately, Scarlett is on hand with sage advice.

“That’s the hing aboot chances,” she tells him. “Sometimes you git mair than wan.”

“D’ye hink?” he asks, somewhat insensitively given her medical condition.

“Well here’s hopin’,” was the wry reply.

16 minutes in to the episode, Fraser decides that the only way to get the land for his factory is to dump a load of untraceable industrial waste on it. The church won’t be able to afford to clean it up, and he will step in to take it off their hands at a reduced rate. No, he did not try any other options first, and yes, for those interested, industrial waste looks like runny lemon curd. For some inexplicable reason, business partner Deek believes the stuff isn’t dangerous and helps out, acquiring a SUSPICIOUS BURN along the way which he can’t tell anyone about. Presumably he hasn’t had enough to angst about lately.

Next day, Gabriel sees Deek’s SUSPICIOUS BURN, as well as Fraser suspiciously advising him to man up about the agonizing pain rather than see a doctor. Gabriel wastes no time in making Deek reveal the oozing wound in front of half the pub. Why didn’t he just roll up the other sleeve to reveal the unburnt arm? Come on people, this isn’t some kind of farce.

Anyway, Fraser does the evil thing and pretends to be as shocked as everyone else, as if the good people of Sheildinch will believe a scrawny house elf could carry out such a diabolical plan unaided. But Murray (Fraser’s dad) is suspicious and does some investigatory journalism to uncover the terrible truth. Just in time for a rainy ending, where Fraser loses the land once more, as well as his business partner and relationship with his family. One hopes that girlfriend Amber will have the good sense to dump him too.