The River City Blog #3

Today, I am watching River City as it goes out, on my parents' fancy HD TV. Usually I iPlayer it on my computer several days later. Will this make the experience more exciting? Probably not.

Dr Brodie can't sleep. He is wandering round in his dressing gown, sighing a lot and drinking milk straight from the bottle. What a sad parody of manhood. He needs to take some tips from the Old Spice guy. Meanwhile the reason for his stress, missing brother Leo, is suffering night terrors on hairdresser Hayley's living room floor just a few doors away. F'only they could be reunited. Or something.

On an unrelated note, Crazy Ruth is also up and about, scrubbing like a motherbitch to hide the fact she is pure raging about partner Andy's interview for a job in Dubai. Seems a bit premature - he might not even get it. But then she is called Crazy Ruth.

Over at Casa Del Mullen, Scarlett is dispensing wisdom re Big Boab's court summons, sporting grey leopard print jim jams with unmatching pink leopard print dressing goon. Does Montego Street have a secret Primark I don't know about? And in The Ship, the pointless subplot about Rrrraymond being annoyed with Eileen for sending him on errands all the time continues apace. Is there to be no comic relief tonight?!

Apparently not. Whilst Leo pops pain killers like a toddler with a tube of smarties, the Military Police roam the street(s?) searching for him, and his brothers bicker loudly about his welfare. Scarlett forces Boab to go outside, whilst Jimmy helpfully points out, "lawyers and doctors pick up prozzies all the time." Wee Boab and Theresa take him under their wings with similar insights - "I dinnae care aboot your urges, at least you didnae hurt anyone" - none of which seem to cheer him up. Mainly because he did hurt someone - poor fragrant Iona, the love of his life. Oh, for a family as sensitive as the Mullen-O'Hara brood.

Anyway, onwards and upwards. Her from Take the High Road points out that by keeping wee Eilidh prisoner in the flat instead of letting her go back to nursery, Crazy Ruth is behaving like a crazy person. But apparently everyone else ('everyone else' in this instance being Ruth's grandad and her pal Scott) thinks she should be given the benefit of the doubt. They're wrong, of course, but because HfTtHR - Liz, if you want to be pedantic - is such an interfering busybody 99% of the time, they ignore her. The consequences are due next week.

Over by the Delhi, Leo has somehow fallen down the stairs from Hayley's flat to exhort nephews Connor and Adeeb to help him steal sister-in-law Leila's car so he can go back to Afghanistan. Are you keeping up with this? Connor is well up for it, but the more observant Adeeb notices that if they allow him to do a runner he'll almost certainly die of septicemia. He therefore informs the nearest responsible adult. Good to know that not all kids are idiots.

By the way, can anyone tell me whether Leyla has had an affair with Leo at some point? Because she really hates him, and calls the military police on him whilst Dr B is off at the surgery locating drugs. This backfires slightly, however, when Leo gets off on the condition that he moves in with them till he gets better. What a plot device.

Somewhat dully, there's the little matter of why he went AWOL in the first place. Dr Brodie knows his little brother is hiding something, explaining,

"Ma IQ's above 150. I've had it checked."

Strong words, that cut right to the heart of the matter. It turns out Leo shot a ten year old civilian in Afghanistan thinking it was a sniper, and he can't live with the guilt. He ran away from military hospital so he can go back in a non-soldier capacity to atone by laying his own neck on the line. Cue some fairly unconvincing crying and a visit to the pub, during which he threatens Leyla with his eyes. They may be planning to draw this out for some time.

True Romance

Oi, Hotmail spam filter! What do you mean by junking this? She could be my one true love!

'My Dearest,

I am very happy for your reply to my mail despite your busy schedules.'

I didn't email you, but OK.

'How was your night over there in your country,i believe you had a nice night rest and that the atmosphere over there in your country is very nice today? Mine was a little bit warm over here in Dakar Senegal.'

Cold. It's winter in Edinburgh.

'My name is Bella Garang,'

Nice to meet you, I suppose.

'23 years old but age doesn't matter in a real relationship,so i am comfortable with your age,'

Oi! I'm 25!

'My hobbies are Reading,traveling Listening to good jokes also my likes are obedient,Honest,sincerity,truth and my dislikes are lie,dishonest,envy,and betrayal.'

Huh. My dislikes are people not bothering to proof read what they're written.

'I am from Southern Region of Sudan,5.7ft tall,dark in complexion single,(never married ) and presently, i am residing here in Dakar as a result of the civil war that was fought in my country some years ago.'

Hey, I'm 5'7" and never been married! Maybe we should be buds! Oh, but I don't have much civil war chat though. Could always give you stuff about the act of union...

'My late father Dr John Garang was the greatest Sudanese politician in history. A Christian and a southern Sudanese from the Dinka tribe, and also the First vice president of Southern Sudan in Northeastern Africa in July 9, 2005.'

As the greatest Sudanese politician in history I guess he didn't need to be punctual. Arf. But in all seriousness, he's a real guy. Apparently survived by a widow, also a Sudanese politician, and six children.

'He was involved in the Helicopter Crash on July 30 2005 that resulted his Death due to the pilot error'

Seems to be true, according to Wikipedia. Do you use Wikipedia, Bella?

'and My late Mother died in the civil war. During the death of my father, there is civil war going on radically that resulted my relocating to save my soul with the help of red Cross'

OK... sounds harrowing. So your mother wasn't Dr Garang's wife, then? Rebecca Nyandeng De Mabior? Cause as discussed, she is still alive.

'It was only me that is alive now and I managed to make my way to a near by country Senegal where i am leaving now as a refugee under a Reverend father's care and i am using the computer in his office to send these messages to you.'

Wow. Cheers for thinking of me, Bella, you complete stranger you. Why not go to one of your six half-brothers or sisters, though?

'My dear, I came in the site to search for love and care which I have not gotten for a very long time since I lost my family members.'

What site? Hotmail?

'I hereby believe that in time to come you will be my side and I will show you unreserved love and respect through out my time .'

Thanks very much.

'Dear, I want to know more about you, your real name, Your real country, your age, your hobbies and what you are doing presently.'

Pretty sure you could get all of that through my hotmail profile, hen. Except for what I am doing right now, which is a little bit creepy sounding if you don't mind my saying. Anyway, someone has not done their research.

'I have attached my pictures here for you to know me very well. In my next mail I will tell you more about myself. I wait your reply with impatience.
Yours Bella'

Can't believe I nearly missed my opportunity with this lovely girl by not checking my junk mail folder. I have of course emailed her with pictures of myself, my full home address, bank details, information about 12 books in 12 months, etc. Captain Tact will be a bit put out, but he'll get over it eventually. This is a case of the true love, after all.