Saturday, 25 April 2009

Whatever happened to weekend lie-ins?

Originally posted on Deadjournal

9am on Saturday morning, first into the library is our resident computer enthusiast, a man whose main claim to fame is a recent appearance on Jeremy Kyle. We aren’t entirely sure what it was about, having only learned about it through some kids taking the piss. Seems a little beyond the librarian/reader relationship to quiz him on whether Jezzer told him he was a terrible father, a slimy love rat, or a mixture of the two. A colleague looked into acquiring the episode online, but the only way to do this is to watch an entire series until we find the one he’s in. Frankly, life is too short.

First teen to appear, around 9.10am, shall be called X. She is resplendent in grey tracksuit and fluorescent yellow eyeshadow, piled above a thick layer of black eyeliner and several coats of mascara. She’s toned down the blusher lately, perhaps in response to a negative comment from one of the boys on her ‘permanent beamer’. She was up at 8am apparently, and had pizza for breakfast. This is the kind of thing that makes me wonder how much of the bad behaviour we see is diet-related. Someone should get Jamie Oliver on the case.

Next on the scene (9.20ish) is a fellow of 14, who requires a shot on the PS3. As he reclines upon the comfy sofa playing Fifa '09 on the indecently large plasma, he engages in witty banter with the young lady, who is checking her Bebo. It transpires she is also on msn, talking to the gentleman’s sometime-girlfriend.

“ASK HER,” he bellows at a volume some traditionalists might consider unreasonable for this setting, “IF SHE’S MEETIN ME LATER. I THOUGHT SHE WASN’T BUT NOW I THINK SHE MIGHT BE.”

To the untrained ear this assumption may seem baseless, but it makes sense to the girl, who taps something in before thundering back,

“SHE’S NO SURE. Why’re you goin oot wi hur?”

“Ah’m doin it fur Liam,” he explains, “cuz he’s goin oot wi hur mate.”

What a lucky lady.

“SHE KENS THAT’S WHY,” he adds as an afterthought.

I feel old.

Tuesday, 14 April 2009


You're never too old or too agnostic to celebrate Easter by smashing boiled eggs in the back garden.

This is Lauren from Hollyoaks egg, created by my brother.

Pretty hard to tell the difference between her and the real thing, non?