Friday, 25 July 2008

Insert Title Here

Scene One
Our kitchen. Flatmate is making tea, I am re-lacing a shoe. Enter Unusual Handyman.

Unusual Handyman: [in an accent so impenetrable even he probably doesn’t know what it is] mmmphgarnyaddyblah locked door flumedeygramphleyumyumnoodley foolmumumumbleyjellybibbles BURN TAE DEATH, ken?
Me: ….Okay.

Exit unusual handyman.

Me: What did he say?
Flatmate: I don’t think even he knows that.

Various mumbling can be heard offstage as we drink our tea in bemused silence.
Enter unusual handyman.

UH: Yumblenblah back tomorrow mimble light fitting yumptymmfacks aff the wa’ [gestures offstage in the direction of my room] bobbityboo dangerous! Veryfastincomprehensiblesomethingorother I got tae be here somethingelsemmhmm.
Me: You’ve got to be here?
UH: [in a voice laced with mysterious hidden subtext] I’m authorised to be here.

Everyone exits.

Scene Two
My room. The light switch, which previously fulfilled all the requirements one might reasonably expect of a light switch, is now hanging dangerously from the wall.

Flatmate: [calling from offstage in the hall] So, is the light fitting off?
Me: [disbelieving] ...... Yes. Yes it is.