In my first year of university I signed up
to work on the student paper, having read lots of advice to wannabe writers
saying they must get involved with the student press to gain practice,
clippings and contacts.
Unfortunately, a couple of meetings in I discovered
that many of my colleagues were pretentious and prone to navel gazing. They also didn’t seem to have any concept of
news – one thrilling expose revealed that some people *whisper* take
drugs! Whoever heard of a student experimenting
with drugs? Someone get that guy a
Pulitzer, stat!
Said paper hasn’t gotten a lot better since
I graduated. Here’s an example sentence
from a current column. It is supposed to
deal with issues around being a fourth year, which you might think would
include stuff like stress over finals, what to do after graduation, and so
on… Not so much.
‘There
is something highly satisfying about wrapping up in a multitude of layers in
the morning as you leave to brave the ice cold air: dressed in my latest winter
purchase – a vintage, dark blue duffel coat – over one of my favourite chunky
knit sweaters (I hail from ‘the home of cashmere’), with my mum’s old
University scarf looped my neck several times, and my trusty
‘I-can-walk-through-anything’ brown leather ankle boots, I feel like I can take
on the world and all that it throws at me.’
Quite apart
from the poor structure (seriously, full stops are totally OK), that entire paragraph says nothing of importance or even passing interest. Dressing in layers for winter is not an
insightful part of ‘the fourth year experience’, ‘the third year experience’,
or any experience at all - it’s padding in the most literal sense. Stop wasting your words and my time, unnamed
student journo!
In summary, that paper was balls, so I joined
the team who put together the spoof one instead. This was how I met my other half, the
enigmatic Captain Tact, who was editor at the time. He doesn’t remember our first meeting at all, but I do. Nervous, I walked into the pub and looked around for people that looked like they might write comedy. I soon honed in on the table of blokes with bad hair who were having an animated discussion about the new series of Doctor Who, and my nerves evaporated. These were my kind of people.
The spoof paper was a lot of fun, but it
wasn’t the sort of stuff that was going to win us any student journalism
awards. It mainly involved making up news stories
(pirates attacking halls of residence, terror lizards, unusual meat in burgers,
that sort of schtick). On balance, it
probably wasn’t the sort of thing older hacks were thinking of when doling out
their advice. And anyway, we were shut down in
my third year following an incident with the ORLY owl and a local curry
house, a harrowing experience of censorship that would only really have been helpful if any of us had got work on Private Eye.
Having said that, I still think wannabe writers
should get involved with the university press. You might get a boyfriend out of it, after
all... Or failing that, plentiful
opportunities to network with the dynamic go-getters who are the editors of the
future.
Just try not to yawn too loudly when they
commission a thousand words on what to wear in intemperate weather.
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