Why Is Everyone Talking About Joe? Who Is Joe And What Has He Done?

And verily, Geordie Joe did win the X-Factor as everyone predicted, up against Olly ‘there’s totally room for another sub-Robbie pop star in the charts’ Murs and Stacey ‘the love child of Frank Spencer and Roland Rat’ Solomon. It has been suggested in some quarters that the whole thing was fixed. But nobody really cares.

This is the first year I’ve watched beyond auditions, and what an incredible journey through mediocrity it has been. It has also served as a constant reminder that the minds of the great British public – or at the very least those who exercise the right to vote – are a strange and terrifying thing. Seriously, Jamie Afro? Not big and not clever.

So now young Joseph is to be the proud owner of a shiny Christmas number one, a cover of The Climb by Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana, no less. Whilst I can enjoy this musical lobotomy in a spirit of festive cheer as much as the next person, I am firmly wedged behind the campaign to get Killing in the Name by Rage Against The Machine there instead. Obviously it won’t have any effect on the finances of Cowell, who is already incomprehensibly rich, and it won’t have any effect on Joe, who has a bright future in musical theatre ahead of him (not in a euphemistic way). But Killing.. holds a special place in my 15 year old nu-metal loving heart, and let's be honest, it would be a bit good to have it on those Christmas number one countdowns presented by Noddy Holder.

However, before you go on a downloading spree, take note! Apparently you need to spend a minimum of 50p on your MP3 for it to be counted in the Top 40, so do NOT be fooled by the sneaky 29p version on Amazon. Presumably it was planted by evil X-Factor henchmen. That Dermot O'Leary will do anything for the money.

On the other hand, if you don't like your festive tracks quite so political, why not help out London-based band The Mistletones, who exist solely for the noble purpose of gaining a Christmas number one? Or alternatively, there's this guy. So many choices, and a genuinely limited time frame in which to make yours.

Good luck.