Make Me A Ham Sandwich! And A Spanish Omlette!

These are my 2am purchases from the petrol station last night.
























We may've decided after work that it would be a great idea to drink 5 bottles of wine and 2 bottles of sherry on empty stomachs, before heading to the pub for some tasty ale.

For the record, I don't even smoke. Well, not usually.

Algebra

Why Is Everyone Talking About Joe? Who Is Joe And What Has He Done?

And verily, Geordie Joe did win the X-Factor as everyone predicted, up against Olly ‘there’s totally room for another sub-Robbie pop star in the charts’ Murs and Stacey ‘the love child of Frank Spencer and Roland Rat’ Solomon. It has been suggested in some quarters that the whole thing was fixed. But nobody really cares.

This is the first year I’ve watched beyond auditions, and what an incredible journey through mediocrity it has been. It has also served as a constant reminder that the minds of the great British public – or at the very least those who exercise the right to vote – are a strange and terrifying thing. Seriously, Jamie Afro? Not big and not clever.

So now young Joseph is to be the proud owner of a shiny Christmas number one, a cover of The Climb by Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana, no less. Whilst I can enjoy this musical lobotomy in a spirit of festive cheer as much as the next person, I am firmly wedged behind the campaign to get Killing in the Name by Rage Against The Machine there instead. Obviously it won’t have any effect on the finances of Cowell, who is already incomprehensibly rich, and it won’t have any effect on Joe, who has a bright future in musical theatre ahead of him (not in a euphemistic way). But Killing.. holds a special place in my 15 year old nu-metal loving heart, and let's be honest, it would be a bit good to have it on those Christmas number one countdowns presented by Noddy Holder.

However, before you go on a downloading spree, take note! Apparently you need to spend a minimum of 50p on your MP3 for it to be counted in the Top 40, so do NOT be fooled by the sneaky 29p version on Amazon. Presumably it was planted by evil X-Factor henchmen. That Dermot O'Leary will do anything for the money.

On the other hand, if you don't like your festive tracks quite so political, why not help out London-based band The Mistletones, who exist solely for the noble purpose of gaining a Christmas number one? Or alternatively, there's this guy. So many choices, and a genuinely limited time frame in which to make yours.

Good luck.

'Why Are You Apologising For Bleeding?' And Other Salient Points

I just saw New Moon, against my better judgement and the counsel of my elders ("that's three hours of your life you will never get back," my boss informed me darkly when I mentioned this was included in what I intended to do with my weekend off.).

When you go into a cinema expecting absolutely nothing, and have spent the trailers wondering whether in fact this was a terrible idea and how feasible it would be to bail, it’s quite hard for things to get worse. And fortunately, New Moon is more of the same old shite that Twilight was, but much funnier.

R-Pattz, as we surely all gleaned from the adverts, loves Bella so much that he dumps her and flees the country, thinking she’ll be safer that way – not least cuz his brother keeps trying to eat her at all their family gatherings. Awkward.

You might think she’d notice something amiss after he bursts into tears at the prospect of giving her a birthday kiss, but apparently she sees this as normal behaviour. Maybe it is for vampires, I dunno. Anyhoo, a most excellent emo montage ensues, as she sits in the same chair for three months with the camera panning around her as the seasons change outside. One imagines this was the most succinct way they could find of covering an estimated third of Meyer’s book… Correct me if you know this to be wrong (e.g. you know it to be more like half).

Out of the narrative necessity of a blockbusting film including more than a pouty girl sitting in a chair for two hours, Bella then discovers that whenever she puts herself in danger, R-Pattz appears as a floating head giving helpful advice like "aw no, don’t do that." So naturally she decides to take up biking - the most dangerous of all the sports - in order to see the floating head of Edward Cullen more often. To do this she must enlist the mechanical aid of her childhood friend Jacob – the now buffity buff buff Taylor Lautner you’ve seen on the posters. He’s put on five stone of pure muscle, one of which is just on his neck. Naturally the film makers want to show this off at any cost, and one of the funniest scenes I have ever seen in a film is when she wangs her head off a rock and he rips off his t-shirt to wipe the blood from her tender face. It’s not gratuitous nudity, incidentally, there is simply NO OTHER WAY TO STEM THE BLEEDING.

My other favourite part is when R-Pattz thinks Bella is dead (echoing a tenuous Romeo and Juliet theme that runs throughout), and crushes his mobile phone in sheer grief before heading off out to annoy the king of the vampires into killing him. It was fucking heart wrenching – there was not a dry eye in the house. By which I mean we were not the only ones killing ourselves laughing.

So, in summary: buff werewolves (so buff, in fact, that one of my companion’s contact lenses popped out in apparent protest at said buffness) show up mopey vampires (God knows I'm not immune to the charms of the skinny white man but you do not want to be looking at the torso of R-Pattz after all the wolf tiemz, he looks like an extra from Trainspotting), but very little actually happens. For hours.

Kind of what you'd expect, really.

A Work In Progress

This is a blanky. I have been making it for some time now. But double beds are pretty big, and I work full time, so it isn't finished. S'quite cosy though.

TFI Fridyah

Bored of Christmas already? Well bore no longer, because as of now (if not even earlier) you can buy a metric crapload of creme eggs from Margiotta's on Northumberland Street and set yourself up for Easter instead! You may be able to get them from other branches too, but I'm not about to spend my afternoon off checking. Do it yourself if you're that bothered.

In other news, Edinburgh is very foggy today.



Gull 1: S'affy foggy the day, int'it Archie?

Gull 2: Shut up.

Free Gig

At a loose end tonight?

(That's Thursday 10th December 2009, people who are reading this tomorrow.)

Concerned that the monotony of your own company may finally tip you over the edge?

Text MILL57K to 82500, or go here, where you will get FREE tickets to see Homework and Kid Canaveral at Caberet Voltaire.

Drink some booze, have a dance, and become part of the delicious indie sandwich you have always dreamed of. Fantastic.