Do You Take This Pie...

Those of you who use Facebook will probably be aware of its obsession with targetted advertising, which surely only has limited success. Basically all girls I know are so used to being told about various wedding services (tick tock ladies, if you don't marry soon it might never happen and then where'll you be?) that it doesn't really bother them anymore.

Today, though, FB caught my attention by insisting I have a look at Rubenesque Bridal, "Scotland's only dedicated bridal boutique for the curvaceous woman."

How does it know I'm a size 16+? (Which I'm not, of course, I'm like size... zero. Ahem.)

And, why did it decide as soon as I graduated from university that I'd be desperate to get married ASAP? For a supposedly modern means of communication it takes a very 1950s approach to gender roles.

Actually in fairness, that one might be because I've been 'engaged' to one of my mates on there for about five years, and the bots can't tell the difference between real and fake relationships. Yet. But still, when, where and if I tie the knot is not going to be determined by social networking.

There again, the other thing they keep throwing at me is a free screening of Trainspotting at the Royal Scottish Academy, so maybe they do know me quite well after all. *starts sketching centrepieces*

For other items written by me today, see here for chat about the poetical genius of Sisqo, and here for a mild response to an hysterical article about the British government's gay agenda. I've also conducted a couple of interviews for the Edinburgh Reporter which I am in the process of writing up, and tonight I'll do some more Caligula for 12 Books in 12 Months. Productive.

Bon Voyage

We have a tradition in my house, which is that every so often, we watch all the Lord of the Rings films and play a drinking game at the same time. The 'we' in this scenario is me, my sister and our best mate. Other people have come and gone since the first one in 2003, but we are the staple members of this mature and responsible group. Yesterday, we did it to bid farewell to my sister, who is going travelling for a couple of months. I recorded it for posterity.

16.03 - Drink to elven superiority and kingly politics! Come on guys, Bee's going to Paraguay! She's going to be the richest person there!

16.24 - Bee: "did they even consider anyone else for Gandalf?" / Ceri: "Christopher Lee wanted to do it but he's too far typecast."

16.30 - how many things from these films do you say on an almost daily basis?
- "Keep it secret, keep it safe!"
- "Fool of a Took!"
- "You shall not pass!"
- "... But it is not this day!"

16.35 - Gandalf: A LITTLE LATE TO BE TRIMMING A VERGE ISN'T IT? / Bee: Well, I'm drinking to that.

16.44 - this would have been a very different film if Ray Liotta was king of the Nazgul. Lord of the Rings meets Wild Hogs...

17.00 - OMG, Frodo, what an idiot. The ringwraiths are out in force and he just gets out the thing they're looking for and holds it up in the air! / Ceri: Sam would never do that. He'd swallow it. Shit it out when they get to Mordor.

17.14 - Bee: I want my house to look like Rivendell.

17.20 - STILL SHARPE!!!!

17.25 - Long conversation about hotness of Boromir and Faramir. Ceri: "I would ruin Gondor."

17.34 - if you put the ring on a sausage, would it go invisible?

17.43- Aragorn: "make for the gap of Rohan." / Rose: "Who's she?" Fnar.

18.04 - Gandalf: "I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the Flame of Anor." / Ceri: "father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife... / Gandalf: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

18.22 - "Well, the funniest armpit hair I've ever seen..." This is going to be a good story.

18.35 - As Boromir lies dying, Rose: Aw you're fine! Man up! / Bee: Don't you ever say that to Boromir.

18.49 - Two Towers time, woo hoo!

19.02 - drink for "man flesh"!

19.21 - Rose: "When I try to put 'McDonalds' into my phone, predictive text changes it to 'madnockers'... Ooh, trees! My dad looks like that tree. When he has a beard."

19.34 - Ceri: "It [the mountain Gandalf fought the Balrog on] looks like trifle. I hate trifle."

20.09 - Ceri: "I can't get through Helm's Deep without a Bumrod." (affectionate nickname for local takeaway)

21.04 - Takeaway time, woo!

21.25 - Shot for the ents fighting back!

21.26 - Troop discovers she has been drinking 9% wine - she has been wasting her time! If it's less than 12 there's no point..

21.34 - Ceri: "We'll need to have a drink for Shelob. Even though I don't... approve. Mainly because she's a spider."

22.10 - OMG FIGWIT IS IN THIS ONE AFTER ALL! SHOT!

22.30 - Captain Tact is watching MOTD on his computer on silent. Poor.

22.38 - In-depth conversation re the derivation of phrase "how d'you like them apples?"

22.39 - is the Boston accent nice?

22.41 - Michael suggests Faramir is better than Boromir. Debate ensues.

22.55 - Michael confuses Stuart Townsend with Stuart Cosgrove.

23.19 - Michael: "but Sean Bean is troubled - women don't like that, do they?"

23.21 - Rose: "it's the big spider... Sheila!" / Captain Tact/Bee: "For ladies who insure their cars, Shelob's wheels are superstars.."

23.42 - Denethor just got roundhouse kicked by a horse! Shot!

23.50 - LET'S ADD A SHOT FOR "I AM NO MAN!"

23.59 - The Rolling Stones are alright, but not amazing..

00.06 - Michael: "British trampolines for British people! Coming over here, taking our bounces. [pause] that wee bit of ironic racism's taken it out of me. I don't know how real racists keep it up."

00.21 - The ring is melting!

00.23 - As the tower of Barad-Dur collapses, Ceri: "THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS IN POLTERGEIST!"

00.29 - Gimli! Let's drink to Gimli!

00.31 - no more things to drink to.. BUT SO MUCH MORE FILM!

00.31 - Ceri: "Aragorn, that hat makes you look like a silver knob." / Bee: "that's a crown."

00.37 - Frodo is so jealous of Rosie. She should watch her back.

00.40 - Bee: "HAVE YOU DRUNK TO ENDING FIVE? DRINK TO ENDING FIVE!"

00.46 - Ceri: "IT'S LIKE STAND BY ME!" / Bee: "Cause river Phoenix dies?" / Ceri: "yes! Then the other two fade into obscurity and it's sad."

00.47 - Ending number six... Ceri: "Oh Rosie. That's an ugly baby. [pause] And I don't think it's right to have that much greenery."

Have a lovely time in Paraguay and Canada, Bee!