[Scene: Jacob and Edward arguing, as per usual]
Bella: Enough! I am sick of you two fighting. From now on I am Switzerland.
Bella voiceover: Edward didn't like that.
Well of course not. Who does like it when their girlfriend comes out as a small European country made of clocks and chocolate. In front of their rival, no less. It's just embarrassing.
Anyway, Twilight 3, or Eclipse as it is also known to some die-hard fans, is a bit of a disappointment. Not because I was expecting anything in particular, but because it actually had a believable punt at being a proper film.
Yes, there was lots of gratuitous exposure of Taylor Lautner, at which someone gave an audible gasp sending the entire audience into hysterics. And the vampires are getting more unconvincingly vampirey as the series goes along, as if nobody has told them that much makeup is bad for the skin. And the message it send out to young women is morally dubious in the extreme.
But it wasn't wall to wall hilarity a la New Moon, or amusingly awful like Twilight. Worryingly it had something approaching a plot, several hints that were suspiciously close to character development, and a couple of apparently deliberate comic moments. The rest of it was a bit mawkish and trite, but neither in an hilariously OTT way nor a manner so slow paced and cloying as to be unwatchable.
Something verging on an average film is not what I signed up for, frankly, so they had better sort it out in time for the next one. (Which I am told they are splitting into two parts. That JK Rowling's got a lot to answer for... OK, they'd better sort it out in time for the next two.) I will not stay the course for the mesmerizing sheen of their shiny shiny teeth alone! I want at least one tortured, cliche-ridden monologue from R-Patz and I demand some terrible acting from somewhere - Kristen Stewart seems like the most obvious choice given her character is the most two dimensional creation since Mickey Mouse.
Taylor Lautner, meanwhile, should carry on as is. He has easily the best lines in this film, and possesses the makings of some kind of accidental comic genius. Is he self-aware? Don't care. Keep up the good work.
PS See Charlie Brooker or The R-Patz Factz for a less disillusioned take on the franchise.