A mere two days into their freshers week, first year students at Edinburgh University have incurred the wrath of local townsfolk not for decorating the city centre with traffic cones and vomit, but for being some of the most pathetic drinkers Auld Reekie has ever seen.
“S’ridiculous,” elaborated a member of bar staff from popular Newington drinking establishment The Grapes. “The students come by, they actually read the signs in the window – nae fitba colours, nae under 25s – and they go ‘oh, dreadfully sorry,’ and piss aff! Nae arguments, nae nuthin.”
“The drinking culture in this year’s intake would appear to be decidedly pussyish,” agreed a member of student services. “You hear them saying stuff like ‘oh my god, I had like three beers last night, I thought I was going to pass out,’ and you know you’ve got some proper lightweights on your hands. It’s not like when I started uni. Back then if you didn’t drink your own body weight in shop brand vodka on the first night and proceed to spend the whole of freshers week in a bag full of your own sick… well I don’t know what happened if you didn’t do that. I went with the crowd, personally.”
Local pubs and businesses are suffering from students' alcohol intolerance and propensity for study, with the result that they are encouraging ordinary people with jobs to drink more in compensation. One bar is offering free food when you spend a certain amount on booze, whilst another has been perfecting an alchemical formula to put in all its drinks that makes people physically unable to buy anything other than expensive cocktails.
"Fuckin' schtewdentsh," a hungover victim of the situation was heard to exclaim whist waiting for the bus to work on North Bridge this morning. The sentiment of a dehydrated city in need of a pie and some irn bru.