The streets of Dalkeith were lined with literally tens of people today as townsfolk turned out to celebrate the coronation of their first ever king.
This radical change in the system of government came after the Duke of Edinburgh - who, as his title implies, owns the Scottish capital - lost Dalkeith to Prince Harry in a game of Monopoly. Seeing as the young prince is one of the last true anarchists , he decided to give the town back to the people.
Having got over their mild surprise, the Neighbourhood Watch put together a panel of volunteers to find a suitable heir to the new throne. Posters went up on every lamppost, urging people to come forward if they or someone they knew was “just and fair, and not too ugly.” Edinburgh locals will no doubt have seen the coverage of the glitzy X-Factor style talent contest that ensued. Who could forget royal hopefuls like Shaneece, who sang ‘My Heart Will Go On’ whilst bouncing frenetically on a pogo stick without stopping for breath; or indeed the pug dog trained to squawk “THAT’S LIES!” over and over and over again. Adorable.
The final winner, of course, was the man who told a story about a squirrel. From his anecdote the voters knew he would be everything they could hope for in a sovereign, not to mention ambassador to foreign climes on their behalf. They would be proud for him to stand before Obama, Sarkozy, Cameron and the rest to tell his poignant tale. We have reproduced the original speech below:
“I was walking along and I saw this squirrel. So I stopped to look properly, because it was carrying something. And you don’t see that every day do you, squirrels carrying things. I’ve seen them running about and scampering up trees and stuff like that, but never carrying food. And then it went off and vanished into a pile of leaves, and I sort of thought “oh well,” but THEN... it came back.”
It is with these inspiring words that King Kevin I leads the suburb once famed for its terrifying drinking culture into a new dawn. Inspiring stuff.