Thursday, 13 January 2011

The River City Blog #2

This week, Jimmy buys a new car and promptly sends Big Boab off in it to do the shopping without so much as a list. Typical men, and other generalisations. Boab then proceeds to sit in it and moan about his virginity to Charlie, instead of getting something in for tea.

"You're a kind, funny, talented man, with a full time job and a full head of hair," Charlie shrieks unsympathetically, unable to process the fact that people might lack sexual confidence if they are forty, a virgin, and about thirty stone. "She willnae gie a flying fuck!" OK, he doesn't quite go that far, but it's implied.

And it turns out to be correct, because at this very moment Boab's sort-of-girlfriend Iona is trying to get the flat to herself so she can have him round for sexy times. In order to achieve this, however, she must make a pact with Annie, who wants to have a party - ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. What madness is this? It'd never happen in Morningside. And we're only six minutes in!

Meanwhile, angsty hairdresser Hayley is angsty because she has to go to work with her ex boyfriend Jack, also a hairdresser, who recently had an affair with a woman twice her age (Gina, not a hairdresser). As big gay hairdresser Robbie would - and did - say, awkward! Oh, also she is nursing some kind of secret.

Later on, Dr Brodie and family have a scene in which they appear to be a normal family normalling about the place - teenage son makes mess, teenage daughter tries to get her dad to let her go out later to 'study', he responds with the totally normal phrase, "do you think my head buttons up the back, young lady?" - all so that they can be utterly destroyed by a visit from the world's most enigmatic military police. Where is Uncle Leo?

Well, in the park chatting to Hayley, since you asked. A magnificent way to go AWOL.

"What does that mean, exactly?" Hayley - apparently not the brightest sandwich in the picnic basket - asks him, arms folded in perplexion. It's not a word, but Hayley would probably say it.

"It means I've ran away fae the army," Leo elaborates, presumably confused she didn't get that from 'absent without leave'.

"Does that mean people are looking for you?"

"Uh huh."

"Well who," she probes, undoubtedly feeling like she's pulling hen's teeth, "the police?"

"The military police," he concedes.

Shocked Hayley is shocked, and quite pissed off when he explains the only reason he didn't go to one of his brothers is cause that's the first place they'd look. Turns out this isn't so romantic when you say it out loud. Bet she wishes she was at Annie's party, where her colleagues have proceeded to get nicely toasted before having a fight about who is the slaggiest. For it seems that wherever Boab may roam, he is destined to hear tales of other people's promiscuity. Poor Boab. But it's OK, he gets proactive and devises a cunning plan to get rid of the virginity issue.

No, it is not taking Iona to bed.

That's right, he decides to get off with a prostitute. Except being Boab, he manages to find himself an undercover polis prostitute, who promptly arrests him. This somehow ends up on the front cover of the next morning's free paper, so that nobody in Sheildinch can escape the news. And somehow, in spite of Jimmy's advice - lifted from Rocky - that he just needs to pick himself back up again and it'll be fine, things keep getting worse! Funny, that.

First, Isabel from Take The High Road (she's not called that in this, but she'll never be Liz to me!) demands he be sacked from his job at the community centre, but he sort of beats her to it by quitting. Then he meets his mother, who skelps him and squeaks that everyone she plays bingo with will see, before calming down enough to say, "if I'd known you were in such a fankle I'd have paid for one for you masel." Thanks, mum.

Stella though, is less forgiving. Her role over the past couple of weeks has been mainly to be very disappointed with people without hearing their side of the story - first Deek, now Boab. Which is a bit rich given her own character's story (she was rescued from a life of alcoholism, prostitution and being judged, by Deek who chose not to judge her...), but there you are. Far more importantly for Boab, however, is that even when he explains himself, Iona can't get over it. He is like, uber dumped to the max.

Which just goes to show that a fat person and a thin person can never find love. People: know your limits.

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