What Happens In London

Day One - we arrive in Bayswater to see two ethnic minority men being frisked by the MET. We then walk into the city where there is a signing on at the Piccadilly Waterstones. The Captain proceeds to accidentally insult sci-fi writer China Miéville, whilst I chicken out of telling Dan Abnett he is the author of one of my favourite ever lines of prose ('Toshiko looked very cool beans in her new leather jacket').

Day Two - we visit the National Portrait Gallery. They have an exhibition of portraits of Lady Jane Grey. None of them seem to be of her - they're mainly based on etchings of Elizabeth I and Catherine Parr. At the end of it, they ask: "If you were king or queen for nine days, what would you do?" My favourite response: "Close the Tate and use the money for something useful. Free cupcakes for all!"

Day Three - we do the Bus Tour to death. Would definitely recommend a live guide over the earphone version. "If you have a child you don't like very much, take it to Oxford Street on a Saturday, and very slowly let go of their hand..."

Day Four - I fail to take any pictures of the elephant parade prior to getting on the train. Boo-urns.

On the train I read The Behaviour of Moths, The Poison Garden, and Valiant. I would recommend them all to different people for different reasons. See me for more info.






Two optimistic men in a tree outside 10 Downing Street on Cameron's first day as PM.