Comedian Makes Child Cry

The article below was written for this site here. You should like it on Facebook, follow it on Twitter, then forget all about it as is your wont.

In other news, at midnight last night I completed a first draft of my first book for 12 Books in 12 Months, and Let's Get Lyrical kicks off in earnest today so there's some chat about long haired American pop group Hanson on my other blog.

The usually optimistic worldview of our great British nation was severely tested today when renowned biped Michael McIntyre made a small child cry in front of a live audience.

The child, aged 9, went on so-called television show Britain’s Got Talent to deliver a spectacularly unfunny comedy routine.

McIntyre reportedly buzzed him out with a string of abuse that included comments such as, “Bet your mother wishes she’d had that abortion now!” and, “I’ve seen funnier war crimes!”

His unkind words prompted a fierce response from heavily medicated co-host David “Jump In My Car” Hasselhoff, who leapt out of his seat and punched McIntyre in the mouth before proclaiming the whimpering child the best darn comedian since Chevy Chase.
All of which happened before said kid had cracked any jokes.

OK, so I’m exaggerating. What actually happened was that McIntyre asked the child who his favourite comedian was, got the response ‘Harry Hill’, and McIntyre buzzed him (the Britain’s Got Talent way of telling you to fuck the fuck off). Hilariously, the child then descended into floods of tears.

Even though this might be the funniest thing McIntyre has ever done, he is now backpedaling furiously to apologise for the joke. Supposedly it’s inappropriate to treat children in this way – as if they were nothing more than tiny adults, I mean. Because we all know the best way to teach kids things is actually to patronize and talk down to them.

If that child were 19 rather than 9, McIntyre’s joke would probably have got a huge laugh. But just because he is quite short and does not yet know his times tables, it’s been labeled as tantamount to abuse. Frankly, if this kid wants to be a stand up, he’s going to have to learn to take a joke - however weak it may be.

He’s also going to need a method of dealing with hecklers that doesn’t involve crying.