The River City Blog #6

It is the day of Scarlett's ovarian cancer fundraiser, so Montego Street pulls together like never before to raise as much cash as possible. This makes for a deathly dull episode which feels Children in Need-like in length, although I am assured it only lasted an hour. Meanwhile, Robbie the big gay hairdresser is getting grief from a nasty loan shark with designer stubble. He has managed to rack up nearly 4 grand in back rent and the nasty man needs it before the end of the day or he will go visit Robbie's estranged parents in Bearsden and very probably stab them up. Surely these two plot lines combined can only end in disaster?

Blissfully unaware of impending crisis, DI Fraser MSP shows his acting talent by perfectly replicating a cringeworthy speech from someone in local government. And dishes out networking advice to teenagers, apparently. Not that Nicole is likely to follow advice from anyone, however varied their acting ability. God, Nicole's annoying. Not to mention cheeky, manipulative, spiteful and stupid. And she doesn't even have an excuse - at least mad Ruth is mad, but Nicole is just a perfect portrayal of a horrible teenager. Comeuppance is surely due.

In the best moment of a very tedious episode, ex-con Theresa lambasts some small children in front of all their parents, telling one her violin playing was "mince". Which it was, but then spoilsport Jo makes her stop MCing the kid's talent show, which is a terrible shame. She takes over the slave auction, leaving Annie with nothing much to do other than flirt with Raymond (ew) but soon gets ousted from that by Scarlett, so she can do a dramatic fainting thing later on. Thing is, nobody in Shieldinch really cares for Theresa, so the fact she has turned over a new, slightly less criminal leaf has passed most of them by.

Perhaps as part of her campaign to get locals on side, Theresa and her slightly squashed face lie to cover for Robbie when the money is found to be missing, then uses some nefarious contacts to get him the rest. So presumably he'll be back to his usual comic relief role next week, complete with both legs, but the mystery remains, why did she help him? And what does she want in return? Maybe she's going to pimp him out. I can see Theresa strutting about in a floor length fur coat. And the beauty of that is, it wouldn't even need to be an especially long one - she's only about four feet tall.